Stop Dancing and Throw the Bum Out.

A rant after reading Mary Mitchell’s column in the Sun Times on November 9^th, 2010. It was in the “News” section on page 12.

Mary's column said:

“When it is put out there that 72% of “black babies are born to unmarried women,” it is like kicking someone who is down. Most of these women don’t choose a life of solitude. Many of them wanted the white dress. They wanted to walk down somebody’s aisle. They wanted a glittering diamond on their left hand. But pregnancy happened. It bothers me that whenever America’s out of wedlock births are discussed, it becomes a conversation about the shocking number of “black babies being born to unmarried women.” Unless we are talking artificial insemination, it still takes two to tango. And while a lot has changed over the last century, women still have to wait for a man to ask.”

This column is in the “News” section of the paper? Here’s some news, Mary, pregnancy doesn’t "just happen.” It "happens" when two people make a decision and decide to dance. (Okay, it did "just happen" once, but that was 2,000 years ago. Come to think of it, Joseph probably said the same thing I just wrote when it did "just happen" 2,000 years ago. But I digress.)

After years of being the pastor of a local church, I am still surprised at the women who settle for bums because they don’t want to be alone, and I’m weary of the bums they settle for. Bums do what bums do, they bum, and then eventually they move on. You’re right Mary, it does take 2 to tango, and as long as women are willing to dance, be assured there’s a bum somewhere who will dance with them.

Men need to step up! White, black, whatever… men need to step up. The failure of men in our culture to step up to the altar is a shameful mark against men of all ethnicities. It’s time that American men take it personal. According to Mary’s column, in 1990, the number of children born to ALL single-parent households (regardless of race) in the U.S. was 13%. Today it is 41%. If her numbers are correct, that’s a 28% increase, and that’s a problem. The tango needs to stop. The dance floor is getting too crowded.

As men, we need to stop pretending that it’s okay for us to father a child without being married to their mother, and we need to go farther. We need to stop pretending it is okay when one of us moves in with a women without being married to her. In my opinion, that guy's a bum.

We need to call the bums what they are, and stop smiling sideways around the water cooler. We need to call our brothers on the carpet who decide they want the benefits of marriage without the commitment. Men in the U.S. need to grow up, now. No excuses. Propose marriage or move out. As a matter of fact, propose marriage and move out until you’re married. Far too many of you select a date far enough away it leaves you time to keep dancing in the mean time. Stop the music. No more. Offer the ring and give her back the keys because a vast majority of the time, it’s her place. Grow up.

However, when men fail to step up and propose marriage, women need to say “no,” and exit the dance floor. It doesn’t take 2 to make this happen, it only takes 1. When she says “no,” the dance has ended. You’re more powerful than you realize, ladies. That’s the message Mary should be sending to our community as a whole.

The church has to take a stand and say “enough.” Grace demands a strong message about the power and privilege of marriage. Grace demands that we make sure men are hearing what God has to say about what it means to be a man. Grace demands that we so love the women in our lives that they would never dream of settling for anything less than a walk down the aisle with a man who is committed. Grace demands that we reach out lovingly, but firmly to women and men who never realized that there was any other way. God forgive us for doing anything less.